Yesterday was an insane day for me. I have mentioned before how I’ve waded back into the dating game, and how it’s been an experience. I’ve met some very nice guys who I just didn’t seem to click with for one reason or another, and then I’ve met some real losers.
Today I’m going to talk about the losers. Or more accurately, what these losers have taught me about myself.
See, yesterday was crazy because I had THREE guys who had previously pretty much burned their bridges with me reach out and essentially ask for another chance.
The thing that I noticed, though, is that not one of those guys acknowledged/admitted how he had messed up. Not one of them actually said, “Look I know I made some mistakes but I’d really appreciate another chance with you.” In fact, one of them told me he DESERVED a second chance, as if I somehow OWED it to him. Another one BLAMED me for the mistakes HE made. The third one is just a tool who already got way more chances with me than he deserved.
The fact that these guys can be so clueless just blows my mind. And it made me wonder, ARE they all just that clueless? Or do they just think, “Well hey, look at her. She’s fat, so she can’t be picky.”
I had a guy tell me that once. He was dating my cousin and he was treating her like garbage. I told him he was lucky she was so patient with him because no way would I tolerate that kind of treatment from him. He looked at me and raised his eyebrows and said that a girl like me would be lucky to end up with any guy and that I needed to settle for what I could get.
I wonder about that sometimes. Do people think that fat people don’t deserve respect? Is it ridiculous to think we should hold out for a partner who loves us and values us and treats us well because, hey we’re fat, so we should just be happy with anyone who shows the least amount of interest in us?
I get asked a lot why I’m 35 and still single. I can identify a few different reasons.
I was so confused about my life in general after Iraq, that I didn’t know up from down, left from right. I was not in a place, mentally, where I could even nurture myself, let alone a relationship with anyone else.
I gained a ton of fat during this time of my life and really started to feel horrible about myself. I felt so unattractive and so unworthy of love. I was positive no guy would ever be interested in dating and marrying me.
And frankly, I’m pretty independent. I’m smart. I have opinions, and I have expectations. I haven’t yet met a guy who sees these qualities as the assets that I know them to be.
But I DO feel like it’s better for me to be single than to be with the WRONG person.
See, I’m not desperate.
When I first started this dating process again, I probably seemed that way. I was so amazed that there were guys who seemed interested, that my expectations weren’t very high at first. I tolerated lots of lame excuses and a lot of laziness when it came to dating.
But along the way, my self-worth has grown. My confidence has bloomed. And my expectations have risen.
I’m NOT going to settle for crap. I’m not going to put in ALL the work to get to know a guy. I’m not going to let someone emotionally manipulate me. I’m not going to waste time on a guy who says he wants to see me and take me out but then never puts in the effort to DO that.
I’m not desperate. I have value without a guy at my side. I don’t need a man to validate my worth.
I expect to be with someone who sees how great I am. Who wants to get to know me and puts in actual effort to take me out to make that happen. I expect him to treat me with dignity and respect, and to support me and be onboard with my fitness journey.
I am not going to settle for less than that. I don’t think I should have to, no matter what size I am.
See, we need to value ourselves. We need to understand that it’s OK to have expectations for ourselves and the people we let into our lives. We need to acknowledge that if we want love, we need to love ourselves before we can expect someone else to love us.
And we love ourselves by not accepting less than the best. For our bodies. For our minds. For our souls. And for our hearts.