Deserving It

A few weeks ago I had this week where I worked super hard. I was extremely careful about what I ate and I worked out every day–some days twice. That week I lost ten pounds. 

Last week I only lost around a pound or so.

A few days ago I bought some of those Easter candy malted Robin’s Eggs and I’ve been partying it up with the sugar ever since. And the scale rewarded me today with a three pound gain.  Thanks sugar!


What was the difference between that week and this week?

I thought a lot about that this past weekend. Joe asked me a pretty significant question that really made me do some reflecting. When I have an awesome achievement–like losing ten pounds in one week–do I feel like I deserve that?

My immediate answer to Joe was that of course I feel like I deserve that. I worked my butt off that week–literally.

But if I feel like I deserve that kind of success, why don’t I stay consistent? Why don’t I repeat that recipe for success over and over again on a weekly basis?

DO I somehow feel like I’m not worthy of success? Do I sabotage myself because I somehow feel like I don’t deserve it?

This week I didn’t work hard at all. I bought chocolate last week and the crack-like Easter candy this week.  I didn’t  expect a good weigh in today, and the results I got are exactly what I deserved. (And then Joe made me pay this morning with overhead lunges. Reminded me how NOT worth it those Robin’s Eggs were😬🤢.)

What’s up with that? I know exactly what I should be doing–exercising every day and eating healthy food in reasonable portions. And some days it’s like I just do the exact opposite of that.


Why?

Are my goals just not that important to me? No. Seriously, this is almost all I think about every day–losing fat and what I need to do to ditch it. I’m investing a huge amount of money into this. My health depends on it. My quality of living depends on it, and I will be so happy when I’m back at an ideal body weight. So the importance of my goals is very clear to me and not the problem in my opinion.

Is it too complicated? Not at all.  This is the easiest chemistry formula on the planet. Eat less calories than I burn and I will lose fat.

Is it too hard? Not really. There are days where I don’t feel like working out, and there are days where I don’t feel like eating right, but I’ve accomplished way more difficult things than these two goals.

Are there too many temptations around me? Maybe. There are a ton of temptations. Both with food, and with avoiding exercise. Both of these things require discipline and self-control, but I practice discipline and self-control every single day when I do things I don’t feel like doing. I avoid all kinds of temptations for other things in life, so it shouldn’t be that difficult to avoid the temptations that want to screw with my goals.


So, like Joe asked me, do I feel like I just don’t deserve success?

Honestly, maybe that is part of the problem. I know right now that I don’t deserve for the scale to go down after a week like the one I just had . I didn’t do much of anything this week to make sure it would go down, so the results this morning are, not only deserved, but expected. Why? Why would I do the opposite of what I should do in this area? 

Sometimes I think I’m afraid. It sounds ridiculous, but sometimes it seems scary to think about not being fat. I will have to buy a lot of new clothes, and they aren’t cheap. I might need plastic surgery to fix loose skin if I’ve wrecked my skin’s elasticity. I will get a LOT more attention from guys, and it’s not going to all be positive attention. I will also have to deal with pettiness and jealousy from people who don’t want me to succeed. I will have to make a life-long commitment to exercising and eating right, and seriously, who really wants to limit pizza? And lastly–and maybe most significantly for me–I won’t be invisible anymore. People will see me again, and they will have expectations for me. What if I don’t live up to those expectations? Isn’t it better to just fail now when the bar is so much lower than to fail later on after it’s been so significantly raised?

These seem like crazy thoughts when I write them down like this and stare at the words, but the truth doesn’t always make sense, does it?

So the question becomes, how do I tell that fear, that doubt, that self-sabotaging, Loser Voice inside to shut up? It really screams loudly some days. 

I think the answer is probably simpler than I’d like to admit. I think the Loser Voice will finally shut up when I make the decision to SHUT IT UP by either screaming back at it and telling it to take its lying ass off to hell, or just plain ignoring it.


Every day that goes by that I eat badly or skip the gym, every week where I’ve sabotaged myself so the scale doesnt go down, is clearly a week that I listened to the Loser, sat back on my thumbs like a little pansy and bought into the garbage that I can’t win this war.

Horseshit. That’s what that is. And that’s what Loser Voice is peddling.

I DO deserve to achieve my goals. I deserve to be consistent in my efforts to do this. I deserve to win EVERY battle. This Loser Voice inside is super weak and the ONLY way it is capable of winning is if it bamboozles me into thinking it SHOULD win.

Well screw that. It doesn’t deserve a damn thing from me. All it does is lie. All it does is hope I fail. All it does is prey on my fears, hoping to suck me down to its pathetic level.


I am stronger than the Loser Voice. It’s not going to defeat me. It’s not going to keep getting in my way. It’s not going to make me give up and quit. I have a choice. And I choose consistency. I choose to win this thing. Stay tuned while I figure out exactly HOW to do this now.  Haha.

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2 thoughts on “Deserving It

  1. Dear Jess, So much of what you wrote in your blog yesterday I agree with, especially the parts where you said it was scary to lose weight and face the world and all the responses you may get when you are healthy and visible to others. I know that God will help you with those things when you get there, just as he has helped you to this point in your walk. He is walking with you now and helping you overcome the “loser” voice, the “devil who prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in your faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.”(I Peter 5:8-9) But…. for the past few years, whenever I hear the word “deserve”, I get this sick feeling in my stomach. You see, I don’t think we deserve anything but hell. After all, we are a sinful people and it is our sin that Jesus went to the cross for. I am grateful that God has blessed me in many ways, with a family who loves me, a home and food and health and children, a church family, friends, etc… (many in the world do not have any of these things). And the most important gift is that Jesus made a way for me to have eternal life. Do I deserve any of these things? No! It is only because of God’s grace and love that I have them. I think it is God’s grace that is helping you through this part of your journey. And it is God’s grace that will see you complete this part of your walk. Do I want you to be healthy and seen for the beautiful person you are, of course. Do I want you to give up? Of course not. You have written many thoughts and feelings on your blog, which makes me know that you are searching for answers, as I always have. I think you have already found the answers and you just need to continue to rely on God, your faith, and the strength and perseverance He promises to give you every step of the way. And like all of us, you will fall at times, but he will help you get back up and you will give glory to Him for what He has done. And even that is a gift! I love you Jess, Aunt Nancy

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